I’d like to tell you that everything is going to be okay.
“Everything is going to be okay.”
Gosh, that was pretty easy to do. Do you feel better now?
What’s that? You’re not convinced?
Hey, just stop watching MSNBC and CNN. Don’t watch NBC, CBS, ABC, or PBS. I mean, you’re really putting your mental health at risk if you listen to stuff like NPR. You’re not doing that I hope?
What’s gotten into you? Stop watching the fake news!
And for goodness sakes, don’t watch late night television. Jimmy, Jimmy, and Stephen aren’t funny and don’t know what they’re talking about. Seth Meyers? Are you kidding me?
Watch out for daytime television too. Morning shows can get you down. The View will absolutely make your skin crawl. Don’t those women have something better to do in the morning? I understand they all have enough money to hire someone to clean their houses and polish their silver, but they could bake cookies or take up a hobby like crochet.
If you must go online or watch television, then at least be careful. Start and end your day with Newsmax or News Nation. They’ll tell you the truth. Honest.
But it is really better if you don’t pay attention to any of that. Not even Fox News is reliably free from contamination.
Just in case, I should also mention newspapers. Frankly, hardly anyone reads newspapers these days. In the rare possibility that you subscribe to a newspaper, just let the subscription lapse. Better yet, go on and cancel it. We don’t need the enemy of the people putting funny ideas into our heads.
Here’s the solution. Go to Home Depot and purchase several sacks of sand. Take the sacks home and dump the sand someplace convenient, someplace readily accessible. Then, whenever you hear some worrisome news or start to feel worried, whatever it may be, you just stick your head in that big comforting pile of sand for as long as it takes until the worry goes away.
Finally, if a neighbor or an acquaintance starts telling you about something going on, close your eyes and pretend to listen. You don’t want to seem rude. But imagine your precious pile of sand and how handy it will be just as soon as you get back home. That will get your head through these difficult social moments when you might be tempted to think about things a little. You really don’t have to do that.
I hope you feel better now.